Mostly? I want to understand it. How it works. How it's put together. All of it. Every detail. I don't just want to know, I want to see and feel and understand. I want to understand the world.
I know that makes very little sense. It's just, when I'm Reading, when I'm diving down into the undercurrents of magic and material, seeing what makes each little piece itself, trying to figure out how they came together to make that exact trace, that exact circumstance ... I get pieces of patterns. Little patterns, day to day, minute to minute. And big ones. Huge. The vast movements of everything connected to everything else, pushing and pulling, reacting to each other, changing each other, little things trickling and vast things pouring, slow, over and under and inside each other, and every little thing affects every big thing, and the big things drive all the little things, and it's all so big and so there, and I can just catch the shape of it all, the Great Pattern, just curl my fingertips around the edges, and I know if I were only that much bigger, that much more present, that much more understanding, then I could see. See the Pattern. See how it all works, how it all fits together. And I want it. I want it so very much. Just to see. Just to understand.
That's why every new thing I see, every new material, every new circumstance, I can feel my fingers itching, to touch, to Read, to understand that little bit more, make myself that little bit bigger, touch that little bit more of the Big Picture. Everything I unearth, everything I meet, it's all so tempting, so beautiful, so desirable that way. I just want to touch. To Read. To see.
Apologies if it creeps people out.